Let me preface this by saying I don't know why I'm even bothering to write the following text. I'm exhausted, mentally, and I feel like I'm suffocating. It got so bad this evening that I left the house at 10 past 11 without saying a word and sat alone, in the dark, and sang... no, screamed would be a more apt description. Each song that played reminded me of someone, somewhere or something and each one felt like a nail being driven into my back. I sang, louder and louder with each song, completely lost in my mind; the next thing I know I'm on my back staring at the cloudy sky above with an old chap shaking me. I pulled the earphones from my ears; he was asking if I was ok. I stared at him blankly for a moment before shrugging and muttering 'I dont know'. He gave me a look before turning and walking away, I don't know if I was hearing things but it sounded like he called back to me that it was late and I should get home... I'm a grown ass man what the fuck do I need to get home for? I laughed and thanked him under my breath, before standing and walking home. I'd been outside for an hour and fifteen minutes.
You might be asking yourself; well Marc, why do you feel like you do right now? Well, that's pretty simple. People fucking suck. I'm sick of trying to be there for everyone, all the god damn time. It's exhausting, trying to please everybody, trying to be the best person I can be when nobody even gives a fucking damn. I was empty and alone 7 years ago. I'm *still* empty and alone today. The difference? 7 years ago I didn't interact with people. I didn't have 'friends'. I hadn't tasted what it felt like to have money and to be able to buy anything I desired. And yet, what do I have to show for it? Jack. Fucking. Shit. I'm still empty. I'm still alone. I still feel as though I have no friends; merely a small group of people that put up with me because they feel obligated to do so because I spent money on them, gave them gifts, gave them words of support that they probably didn't even need. It feels like there's a shadow pulling at me and each day I can feel it getting stronger. I'm hopeless. The things I used to find joy in doing; Writing, Streaming, Gaming with the JPF guys... none of it gives me satisfaction anymore. It might look like it does, on the surface, but deep down I only do these things anymore because it's easier than dealing with having to explain what is wrong with me... which is ironic considering what I'm doing now. I struggle to write because next to nobody bothers even reading it, and the ones that do probably think it's fucking awful; full of cliche and stereotypes. I stream not for myself, but for Ash; if it wasn't for Ash I wouldn't even bother. I don't even know why I qualified for Affiliate, nobody watches, nobody interacts, it just feels like I'm wasting my time... but then when aren't I? I'm really struggling to see a point in anything right now.
On the bright side, I still have enough rum left to get somewhat tipsy at least, so that's nice. Its already kicking in, my body feels like it's on fire which is a feeling I can't say I have experienced previously while drinking... I'll continue listening to this 'Sad Songs' playlist on Spotify and see if I can cry enough tears to make me feel better. Im betting on no, but its a damn good place to start eh?
