Okay. This is something a little different than what I normally post (lolwut I only made three posts) and might get a little emotional and shit. I'm asking you, the reader, to understand what I'm trying to convey and maybe even relate. I'm posting this because its something relevant to me right now, and if you want to hate on me for it I'm cool with that. Just don't expect to know me for very long afterwards. Well, if you made it this far, congratulations. Oh. And no names. I'm not doing this to provoke anyone, merely to vent. If you know who something is about, please, keep it to yourself.
A little background would probably be the best place to start. Being as this is about my feelings, relationships have a direct factor in this (duh.) so lets start from the beginning, shall we? Ill skip infant school because to be fair I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing aha. Wolsey House primary was where I had my first 'relationship' - I use the term very loosely. We were more best friends than anything. For a while at least. There were times we did everything together and times we hated each others guts. Still, that was one of the happiest points in my life, regardless of how serious shit was.
Soon the time came for me to leave primary and move on up in the world, next I found myself in Brookvale High School, a secondary in Groby. It was a nice place, I remember break times where I would just sit and chill on the field with a book and get countless people mock me, congratulate me or just be curious. It was pleasant at least. Nothing much happened here, except for a crush or two. Bear in mind I was like 12 or 13 at this point - I had about as much confidence as an empty milk bottle has milk. Needless to say, I don't remember anyone from Brookvale, but I wish I did.
Ill skip the time at Lancaster, only once did I see a glimmer of a relationship and that burned away before it even started. Still, had a couple of crushes on ex classmates from Avenue and Wolsey (my god females grow into beautiful creatures.) but nothing serious - they were either taken or out of my league, or worse - chavs.
Moving into the most recent period of my life, college. This year started with the promise of a date, and maybe something more. I had everything planned - flowers, a card, trip to the cinema and a meal (did I mention I'm a great cook?) all out of my own pocket. Nope, apparently going back to an ex who cheated was the better option. I was pretty shaken by this - the first time I had realistically had a shot at a mature relationship was gone, again, right before it started. I have the best luck ever, I swear.
After this was a period of me moping and whining and trying to go out with anything that moved - didn't quite work and I sulked to myself as you do. Then I started going to 'parties' (not sure you could call them that, but whatever) - now I don't make a habit of drinking, and I'm not exactly the most sociable person ever, but I met some wonderful people at this point. They know who they are, and I had a crush on one or two until a couple of weeks ago. They are lovely people but not quite what I was looking for. Maybe having a level headed approach and not rushing into things would pay off?
Boom - brings me to today. I have a single crush (as it probably should be to be quite fair) - I'm not sure if she knows, but I have a feeling she probably does. I haven't known her for particularly long, but she is wonderful nonetheless. I could waffle on for ages but that's not the point - this was merely the bookmark at where my life is right now. Time to move onto the next part of this now surprisingly long post.
What do I want in a relationship, and why? Well, to tell the truth, I just want to be happy. Being there for someone, and having someone there for me by extension, surely is the best thing in life? Knowing you always have someone to trust, and someone to talk is something that I value quite highly. Now some people would demand sex - I wouldn't particularly care. I'm not the nicest thing to look at I agree, but that's not the point. I could quite happily die a virgin so long as I finish everything in life that I wanted to do - losing the big V is pretty much bottom of my priority list. I just want to feel real, and have fun. Sure, I can have fun alone, but there's more to life - its a story that needs two perspectives to complete. I want to care for someone, through thick and thin, purely to make them happy. Currently I feel like an artist without a canvas, A builder with no bricks or a car with no engine. When will I finally be complete? I don't know, but I'm confident it will be sooner rather than later.
To conclude. I like my life - sure. It just feels like I'm missing something. I have friends who make the best couples. Hell, one of them has a kid. People might say its irresponsible or whatever, but to be fair - it is something that requires a lot of effort, and a lot of support. I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much. And so, we come to the end. If you are still reading, thank you for, and I say again - I hope that from this you can understand why I can be so damn whiny at times, and why I do what I do. Thank you. <3
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