Aight, so ill preface this with a 'if you read this, I fully expect you to think less of me' - I wont blame you for it, but I feel like communicating some things is important. Especially to those of you who have seen some of my outbursts, be they those recently or some of those from the past. When I tell people im an idiot, that im literal trash, that im not worth anyones time.. I like to think im being truthful. I probably wouldnt be my own friend if I were in their shoes. Just know that after you are done reading this, I dont want pity. I just want you to understand why I am the way I am. It will likely get hella rambly and stuff so if you dont make it to the end, I dont blame you at all.
Ok - so you will have noticed the title of this blog is 'musings of a lonely man' right? Well at the time that was nothing more than a joke, as could probably be evidenced by the content I posted when I started this up. Nothing but amusing things that happened during any given week. Times back then were a lot simpler. I didnt /actually/ care that I had very few friends. I always felt involved. Nowadays? Not so much.
I have a lot of friends now. Way more than I would have ever imagined. Friends that I see very little during a year, yet these friends are practically family now. I have known many of these people for the full two years worth of Insomnia volunteering that I have done. I wouldnt trade them for the world... and yet at ilast I convinced myself that nobody /actually/ wanted me around. Not only that but I got incredibly jealous and im ashamed of that. So every night after shift I would basically abandon my Insomnia family to hang out with Zoey and play Werewolves until the early hours, at which point everyone else was asleep and I wouldnt be able to say something stupid. Looking back on the event I know I was just being silly and petty, but at the time I genuinely felt that I wasnt wanted.
Thats a pretty common theme with me though. I never /really/ feel like I belong. No matter how long I have been part of a group or whatnot. I feel like that when I raid with my guild on Warcraft, I felt like that at my old job, I felt like that when I used to play MTG at a local hobby shop every week. I am truly broken to the point where I will invent reasons why people dont want me around. Why? I dont know. I wish I did. I really do.
Im often told that I should be more confident, that I should love myself more - I try, hell if I wasnt confident I never would have told Rhiann I liked her and by extension I certainly never would have met her. If I didnt love myself I wouldnt get myself out of bed in the morning, I wouldnt wash, I wouldnt... you get the idea. I wouldnt be me - or at the very least I wouldnt be the me that everyone /seems/ to like having around.
So, after all of that you'd be thinking 'ok so you arent lonely anymore?' right? Wrong. If im being truthful, I have never been so alone in my life. Not true loneliness... I still havent lost myself, and I do still chat with friends... but the other loneliness - physical loneliness. Its not really a secret that I was never close to my parents, or even /any/ of my family. Two of the people I was closest to, my grandma on my mothers side and my (non-family) aunt passed far too early in my life and I still miss them to this day. I remember much of my childhood spent at my grandmas playing Command and Conquer and Starcraft, if I could go back and live those days forever I would without a second thought. After my parents divorced I spent a lot of time with my aunt. No matter how many stupid questions I asked she would always listen. It sucks to say this but these two amazing ladies showed me more love than my parents ever could, or did.
Maybe thats why I am like this. Who knows. I never felt like part of the family with my stepdad, and during the short time I stayed with my actual dad it felt more like we were... roommates? Best friends? I dont think I have actually felt loved since I was... 7? The closest family member I have now is my older brother Phil and even then we rarely talk because he is so... different. Hes been through the same things I have and more so I cant judge him for it though. Other than that though? Nobody. It feels like I live with a family of strangers. Take christmas day for example; I hop out of bed and head downstairs for a drink - did one member of my family say good morning, or hello, or /anything/ to me for that matter? No. Of course they didnt. Sometimes I cant help but think my stepdad still blames me for what happened with mom. But thats just one example among a multitude of others.
Moving on... so - physical loneliness. Let me tell you a story about how im literally a cunt! So after I posted my last blog post, Rhiann decided to pull the plug on us dating. I honestly couldnt blame her - her reasons were legitimate and at the end of the day we are still friends (although perhaps not after she reads this...) - truthfully I never expected any of what happened between us, and im glad it happened... but anyway, out came that dark voice that lurks in the back of my head; try and make her jealous, make her regret turning you down. And so for the next few days after that post I was completely distant with her, sarcastic and probably ruder than I should have been. I made a public showing of wanting to get right back on the dating rollercoaster. And I feel bad for it. Truly I do. But that morning we held hands and cuddled was honestly one of the only moments in my life where I havent felt alone... and I didnt want that to end so soon. Im selfish and truly if anyone thinks im an asshole for that I wouldnt blame you at all. And the worst part? It isnt just Rhiann that I have been trying to make jealous.
I have been told time and time again by an old friend who I think of as the dad that I never had, that I should stop being so hasty, that I shouldnt post as much as I do; yet not once have I taken his advice EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Its what got me so hurt when I was talking to Lydia (oh boy thats such a can of worms I dont even want to get started on that, im still trying to squeeze all of the poison out), and its probably why I have been sat here since half past 2 in the morning writing this stupid blog post. Im an idiot. I /know/ im an idiot. Yet I just cant stop myself from self destructing at the first possible moment. I wonder how much things would be different if I hadnt wrote that post last week. I wonder when I will find someone that will stay standing after I let the tidal wave that is my emotion wash over them. I wonder if there is even someone on this earth that can listen to all my issues and still think I am something special.
Im sorry, everyone. I will try harder from now on. Ill try to not be as petty. Ill try to listen to Deans advice. Maybe I will try to not rush into things so quickly... yeah fat chance of that! But truly, I apologise for the stupid shit I have said this past week. I hate myself for it too, believe me. I think what im getting at, is this is somewhat a cry for help. I would like to know that im appreciated. I want to know you guys and girls are there for me. And dear god do I need you guys to remind me to shave this dreadful facial hair more often...
Monday, 26 December 2016
Sunday, 18 December 2016
Feels Trip - A New Chapter?
So I haven't posted on here in a while... 4 years in fact. I think, though, that the events of the past week are pertinent enough for me to write a new piece. Consider this another bookmark in my life.
Let's start from... February of 2013. Granted I don't remember much from 2013, one of the things that sticks out as a 'REMEMBER ME!' moment is when I followed a fellow Doctor Who fan on twitter. As it turned out, she also lived in Leicester. I was drawn to her because finding someone that was as into Doctor Who as me AND that lived in the same city as myself was very unusual for someone that never really ventures from his house. But anyhow. We spoke at length for a while. Often times it was me throwing a random compliment here or there, or commenting on a recent episode. But here's the problem. If you read my previous, very poorly written post you will kinda understand why. I was never very confident, and I was never very good at speaking. I never told her I liked her. Gradually we stopped talking also - she got a boyfriend at one point, that sucked but there was still some talk about Doctor Who... and then Doctor Who dried up and so did our internet friendship.
Fast forward to some point last year. A friend from college became friends with her. I remembered things but again, she had a boyfriend so I didn't really feel right in talking to her as I would only embarrass myself at best, and at worst, break things between them. I still liked her posts when they were something I was interested in, and I would wish her happy birthday - sometimes with a cool Doctor Who e-card - but that is where things ended for me.
Keep fast-forwarding to last Sunday. It was the last live day of Insomnia. I was particularly... sad this event because I'm an idiot and thought people didn't want me around. Anyway. She posted on twitter and on Sunday night - I replied. I am glad I did. We flurried replies to and fro and the short of it thus; she liked me around the same time I liked her. I was incredibly surprised, but then I never was good at reading people. We arranged our first date on Monday for the Thursday, but when something that was potentially terrible came about, we rescheduled for Friday. We were going to see Moana. I was excited to see it just because it starred The Rock - but let's get back to that soon.
From Monday to Friday we spoke quite a lot - perhaps not as much as regular people would but as we are both incredibly shy and awkward, I think we did pretty well. We had GIF conversations. We spoke about Labyrinth. Disney. It was that that prompted her to ask if I had seen Moana - I said no but I would like to see it... she said she had seen it but would love to come again. I leaped at the chance and tried my luck in asking if she would like to stop off at a cafe for a hot drink before or after, to which she agreed. I was over the moon.
Anyhow. We ended up speaking for several hours at a time, always into the early hours of the morning. But then that thing I mentioned happened. I dont really know how much she would like me to share, but it was a family issue. She said that she would have to cancel our date and she was sorry but I reassured her that it wasnt an issue. Nothing is more important than family. Not even a guy you've known for 4 years but never met. So we rescheduled for Friday as things were likely to have cleared up by then. At that point I was genuinely more invested in hoping that things would be ok for her as I had been in a similar situation before.
Friday rolls around. Things arent sorted. I really wanted to watch the movie though, so I laid out the plan for the day. Initially we were going to catch a 4pm screening at the Cinema De Lux. She missed that. Ok. No bother. The Odeon were showing it at 5pm, so I took a walk in the cold and waited. 5pm rolls around. She missed it. The last showing for the day was 7pm back at the Cinema De Lux... so I walked back and bought some Pokemon cards (that I still havent opened) and waited. 6pm rolls around. FINALLY THINGS ARE OKAY! I was so thankful that I almost forgot that she was still meant to be meeting me to catch the movie... she got her dad to drive her over and in the meantime I bought not one, but two tickets to see Moana.
The film was beautiful. Definitely not what I expected. I never was super into Disney but Moana changed me. I need to absorb everything! Anyhow. It felt like we were fighting over the armrest throughout the movie (although after the fact I dont think that was the case) and so at one point about half way through... I slipped my hand under hers and our fingers intertwined. This was the first time I had held a ladys hand. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Feelings I had locked away and feelings I didnt even know I had were all rushing up to the surface. I awkwardly pulled her hand to my chest so she could feel for herself... im an idiot but the message was clear. The film ended, I cried... like I do for virtually everything I watch, read or play. But it was ok. I was happy. Happier than I had been in a long time. We walked back to her flat, we hugged and I walked an hour back home. I walked in my front door at 11pm and we started talking again right after.
Now. Saturday was Star Wars day. This time it wasnt just me and her, but the friend from before was coming, and a friend of his too. Myself and the woman were going to get the hot drink that we didnt get chance to the day before but the day rolled on and instead we all met at the cinema and saw the movie. It was great. Honestly one of my favorite Star Wars films, and definitely better than TFA. After the film we somehow ended up at a bar. We got a round of drinks and sat awkwardly along one side of the upper floor. I honestly couldnt find my words. I really have trouble talking to people at the best of times but this was another level. We played pool. The friend wanted to leave after the first round... I made the choice to finish the third of my pint left in my glass and buy another round. I needed to say something... anything. And so, we talked about League of Legends. And then we finished our drinks and left.
The initial idea at that point was for the friend, and the friend of a friend to go and get food while I walked her back to her flat for the second consecutive night. That didnt happen. We all wound up in the communal kitchen back in her block. She made tea, we used her toilet, we all talked for a while - myself less than the others as they broached some... quite awkward topics - 1am rolled around (bearing in mind we left the cinema at 8:30pm) and it came to the point where we needed to leave. The friend and the friend finally went to get their food, but I lingered at the gate, words flitting just out of reach... I hugged her, thanked her for the tea and the time spent together, and turned to start my hour walk home, for the second consecutive night. Except as I made it to the end of the road and turned onto another, I received a message. She wanted me to come back. To talk.
My first thought was that it was the alcohol, and so I asked if she was sure. Then I asked if she was /really/ sure. After something she had mentioned the night before I really didnt expect that. And so, I turned around and waited by the gate, half expecting to be joking... and then the gate opened. We walked back up to the communal kitchen and exchanged many, many words about our past and about our family, over another cup of tea. Two hours pass and we retreat to her room. I sit right on the corner of the bed that dominated her flat. I felt that being any closer would make her feel uncomfortable, that perhaps I would make a move... But that wasnt what I was interested in. I just wanted to talk. I wanted her to see that I am genuinely the person I said I was.
I wont be specific, but after a little conversation we ended up holding hands, arm wrestling, and cuddling - in that order. This was the closest that I had ever been to a woman. My heart was pounding, faster than before. She trusted me. She /actually/ trusted me. That was a feeling I have rarely felt. We lay there for a while - my chest against her back, her hair filling my face. Is this what heaven feels like? If it is then I would not protest about staying forever. Alas, I checked my watch and as the hour hand crept around to 4am... I figured it was time to go home. While I didnt want to leave her side, I knew I had to. I pulled my shoes back on and she let me out through the gate again. We held each other for a while, before we said our goodbyes and I walked home in the foggy dark with a Jedi Cloak and a Lighstaber in my bag...
So that was the feels trip I spent my last week on this tiny planet in a vast universe doing. Time has flown by faster than it has ever before. Its such a strange feeling. Her name is Rhiann and she is beautiful. She has experienced more than her own share of pain, more than even I. I want to say I love her... but I stop myself because I know the moment I say that I set myself up to get hurt. I like her. I really, REALLY like her. But for as long as we are dating, the like will remain a like and not bloom into a love... my first love. I still want to go on a cafe date with her, somewhere we can talk casually while drinking that hot drink that we were meant to have previously. Perhaps that will be this week. Perhaps after Christmas. The point is I have no idea what im doing - I know where I want to get to but the path is shrouded in fog of war. I hope she sees me for the person I am, and decides that that person is a person she would want to spend even a fraction of her life beside.
This is where the bookmark lies. On the next page lies a new chapter. A new chapter that is as blank as any of the others, but one im already hoping matches my dream more closely than any before... because after all, the spaceship has a passenger seat.
Let's start from... February of 2013. Granted I don't remember much from 2013, one of the things that sticks out as a 'REMEMBER ME!' moment is when I followed a fellow Doctor Who fan on twitter. As it turned out, she also lived in Leicester. I was drawn to her because finding someone that was as into Doctor Who as me AND that lived in the same city as myself was very unusual for someone that never really ventures from his house. But anyhow. We spoke at length for a while. Often times it was me throwing a random compliment here or there, or commenting on a recent episode. But here's the problem. If you read my previous, very poorly written post you will kinda understand why. I was never very confident, and I was never very good at speaking. I never told her I liked her. Gradually we stopped talking also - she got a boyfriend at one point, that sucked but there was still some talk about Doctor Who... and then Doctor Who dried up and so did our internet friendship.
Fast forward to some point last year. A friend from college became friends with her. I remembered things but again, she had a boyfriend so I didn't really feel right in talking to her as I would only embarrass myself at best, and at worst, break things between them. I still liked her posts when they were something I was interested in, and I would wish her happy birthday - sometimes with a cool Doctor Who e-card - but that is where things ended for me.
Keep fast-forwarding to last Sunday. It was the last live day of Insomnia. I was particularly... sad this event because I'm an idiot and thought people didn't want me around. Anyway. She posted on twitter and on Sunday night - I replied. I am glad I did. We flurried replies to and fro and the short of it thus; she liked me around the same time I liked her. I was incredibly surprised, but then I never was good at reading people. We arranged our first date on Monday for the Thursday, but when something that was potentially terrible came about, we rescheduled for Friday. We were going to see Moana. I was excited to see it just because it starred The Rock - but let's get back to that soon.
From Monday to Friday we spoke quite a lot - perhaps not as much as regular people would but as we are both incredibly shy and awkward, I think we did pretty well. We had GIF conversations. We spoke about Labyrinth. Disney. It was that that prompted her to ask if I had seen Moana - I said no but I would like to see it... she said she had seen it but would love to come again. I leaped at the chance and tried my luck in asking if she would like to stop off at a cafe for a hot drink before or after, to which she agreed. I was over the moon.
Anyhow. We ended up speaking for several hours at a time, always into the early hours of the morning. But then that thing I mentioned happened. I dont really know how much she would like me to share, but it was a family issue. She said that she would have to cancel our date and she was sorry but I reassured her that it wasnt an issue. Nothing is more important than family. Not even a guy you've known for 4 years but never met. So we rescheduled for Friday as things were likely to have cleared up by then. At that point I was genuinely more invested in hoping that things would be ok for her as I had been in a similar situation before.
Friday rolls around. Things arent sorted. I really wanted to watch the movie though, so I laid out the plan for the day. Initially we were going to catch a 4pm screening at the Cinema De Lux. She missed that. Ok. No bother. The Odeon were showing it at 5pm, so I took a walk in the cold and waited. 5pm rolls around. She missed it. The last showing for the day was 7pm back at the Cinema De Lux... so I walked back and bought some Pokemon cards (that I still havent opened) and waited. 6pm rolls around. FINALLY THINGS ARE OKAY! I was so thankful that I almost forgot that she was still meant to be meeting me to catch the movie... she got her dad to drive her over and in the meantime I bought not one, but two tickets to see Moana.
The film was beautiful. Definitely not what I expected. I never was super into Disney but Moana changed me. I need to absorb everything! Anyhow. It felt like we were fighting over the armrest throughout the movie (although after the fact I dont think that was the case) and so at one point about half way through... I slipped my hand under hers and our fingers intertwined. This was the first time I had held a ladys hand. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Feelings I had locked away and feelings I didnt even know I had were all rushing up to the surface. I awkwardly pulled her hand to my chest so she could feel for herself... im an idiot but the message was clear. The film ended, I cried... like I do for virtually everything I watch, read or play. But it was ok. I was happy. Happier than I had been in a long time. We walked back to her flat, we hugged and I walked an hour back home. I walked in my front door at 11pm and we started talking again right after.
Now. Saturday was Star Wars day. This time it wasnt just me and her, but the friend from before was coming, and a friend of his too. Myself and the woman were going to get the hot drink that we didnt get chance to the day before but the day rolled on and instead we all met at the cinema and saw the movie. It was great. Honestly one of my favorite Star Wars films, and definitely better than TFA. After the film we somehow ended up at a bar. We got a round of drinks and sat awkwardly along one side of the upper floor. I honestly couldnt find my words. I really have trouble talking to people at the best of times but this was another level. We played pool. The friend wanted to leave after the first round... I made the choice to finish the third of my pint left in my glass and buy another round. I needed to say something... anything. And so, we talked about League of Legends. And then we finished our drinks and left.
The initial idea at that point was for the friend, and the friend of a friend to go and get food while I walked her back to her flat for the second consecutive night. That didnt happen. We all wound up in the communal kitchen back in her block. She made tea, we used her toilet, we all talked for a while - myself less than the others as they broached some... quite awkward topics - 1am rolled around (bearing in mind we left the cinema at 8:30pm) and it came to the point where we needed to leave. The friend and the friend finally went to get their food, but I lingered at the gate, words flitting just out of reach... I hugged her, thanked her for the tea and the time spent together, and turned to start my hour walk home, for the second consecutive night. Except as I made it to the end of the road and turned onto another, I received a message. She wanted me to come back. To talk.
My first thought was that it was the alcohol, and so I asked if she was sure. Then I asked if she was /really/ sure. After something she had mentioned the night before I really didnt expect that. And so, I turned around and waited by the gate, half expecting to be joking... and then the gate opened. We walked back up to the communal kitchen and exchanged many, many words about our past and about our family, over another cup of tea. Two hours pass and we retreat to her room. I sit right on the corner of the bed that dominated her flat. I felt that being any closer would make her feel uncomfortable, that perhaps I would make a move... But that wasnt what I was interested in. I just wanted to talk. I wanted her to see that I am genuinely the person I said I was.
I wont be specific, but after a little conversation we ended up holding hands, arm wrestling, and cuddling - in that order. This was the closest that I had ever been to a woman. My heart was pounding, faster than before. She trusted me. She /actually/ trusted me. That was a feeling I have rarely felt. We lay there for a while - my chest against her back, her hair filling my face. Is this what heaven feels like? If it is then I would not protest about staying forever. Alas, I checked my watch and as the hour hand crept around to 4am... I figured it was time to go home. While I didnt want to leave her side, I knew I had to. I pulled my shoes back on and she let me out through the gate again. We held each other for a while, before we said our goodbyes and I walked home in the foggy dark with a Jedi Cloak and a Lighstaber in my bag...
So that was the feels trip I spent my last week on this tiny planet in a vast universe doing. Time has flown by faster than it has ever before. Its such a strange feeling. Her name is Rhiann and she is beautiful. She has experienced more than her own share of pain, more than even I. I want to say I love her... but I stop myself because I know the moment I say that I set myself up to get hurt. I like her. I really, REALLY like her. But for as long as we are dating, the like will remain a like and not bloom into a love... my first love. I still want to go on a cafe date with her, somewhere we can talk casually while drinking that hot drink that we were meant to have previously. Perhaps that will be this week. Perhaps after Christmas. The point is I have no idea what im doing - I know where I want to get to but the path is shrouded in fog of war. I hope she sees me for the person I am, and decides that that person is a person she would want to spend even a fraction of her life beside.
This is where the bookmark lies. On the next page lies a new chapter. A new chapter that is as blank as any of the others, but one im already hoping matches my dream more closely than any before... because after all, the spaceship has a passenger seat.
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