Aight, so ill preface this with a 'if you read this, I fully expect you to think less of me' - I wont blame you for it, but I feel like communicating some things is important. Especially to those of you who have seen some of my outbursts, be they those recently or some of those from the past. When I tell people im an idiot, that im literal trash, that im not worth anyones time.. I like to think im being truthful. I probably wouldnt be my own friend if I were in their shoes. Just know that after you are done reading this, I dont want pity. I just want you to understand why I am the way I am. It will likely get hella rambly and stuff so if you dont make it to the end, I dont blame you at all.
Ok - so you will have noticed the title of this blog is 'musings of a lonely man' right? Well at the time that was nothing more than a joke, as could probably be evidenced by the content I posted when I started this up. Nothing but amusing things that happened during any given week. Times back then were a lot simpler. I didnt /actually/ care that I had very few friends. I always felt involved. Nowadays? Not so much.
I have a lot of friends now. Way more than I would have ever imagined. Friends that I see very little during a year, yet these friends are practically family now. I have known many of these people for the full two years worth of Insomnia volunteering that I have done. I wouldnt trade them for the world... and yet at ilast I convinced myself that nobody /actually/ wanted me around. Not only that but I got incredibly jealous and im ashamed of that. So every night after shift I would basically abandon my Insomnia family to hang out with Zoey and play Werewolves until the early hours, at which point everyone else was asleep and I wouldnt be able to say something stupid. Looking back on the event I know I was just being silly and petty, but at the time I genuinely felt that I wasnt wanted.
Thats a pretty common theme with me though. I never /really/ feel like I belong. No matter how long I have been part of a group or whatnot. I feel like that when I raid with my guild on Warcraft, I felt like that at my old job, I felt like that when I used to play MTG at a local hobby shop every week. I am truly broken to the point where I will invent reasons why people dont want me around. Why? I dont know. I wish I did. I really do.
Im often told that I should be more confident, that I should love myself more - I try, hell if I wasnt confident I never would have told Rhiann I liked her and by extension I certainly never would have met her. If I didnt love myself I wouldnt get myself out of bed in the morning, I wouldnt wash, I wouldnt... you get the idea. I wouldnt be me - or at the very least I wouldnt be the me that everyone /seems/ to like having around.
So, after all of that you'd be thinking 'ok so you arent lonely anymore?' right? Wrong. If im being truthful, I have never been so alone in my life. Not true loneliness... I still havent lost myself, and I do still chat with friends... but the other loneliness - physical loneliness. Its not really a secret that I was never close to my parents, or even /any/ of my family. Two of the people I was closest to, my grandma on my mothers side and my (non-family) aunt passed far too early in my life and I still miss them to this day. I remember much of my childhood spent at my grandmas playing Command and Conquer and Starcraft, if I could go back and live those days forever I would without a second thought. After my parents divorced I spent a lot of time with my aunt. No matter how many stupid questions I asked she would always listen. It sucks to say this but these two amazing ladies showed me more love than my parents ever could, or did.
Maybe thats why I am like this. Who knows. I never felt like part of the family with my stepdad, and during the short time I stayed with my actual dad it felt more like we were... roommates? Best friends? I dont think I have actually felt loved since I was... 7? The closest family member I have now is my older brother Phil and even then we rarely talk because he is so... different. Hes been through the same things I have and more so I cant judge him for it though. Other than that though? Nobody. It feels like I live with a family of strangers. Take christmas day for example; I hop out of bed and head downstairs for a drink - did one member of my family say good morning, or hello, or /anything/ to me for that matter? No. Of course they didnt. Sometimes I cant help but think my stepdad still blames me for what happened with mom. But thats just one example among a multitude of others.
Moving on... so - physical loneliness. Let me tell you a story about how im literally a cunt! So after I posted my last blog post, Rhiann decided to pull the plug on us dating. I honestly couldnt blame her - her reasons were legitimate and at the end of the day we are still friends (although perhaps not after she reads this...) - truthfully I never expected any of what happened between us, and im glad it happened... but anyway, out came that dark voice that lurks in the back of my head; try and make her jealous, make her regret turning you down. And so for the next few days after that post I was completely distant with her, sarcastic and probably ruder than I should have been. I made a public showing of wanting to get right back on the dating rollercoaster. And I feel bad for it. Truly I do. But that morning we held hands and cuddled was honestly one of the only moments in my life where I havent felt alone... and I didnt want that to end so soon. Im selfish and truly if anyone thinks im an asshole for that I wouldnt blame you at all. And the worst part? It isnt just Rhiann that I have been trying to make jealous.
I have been told time and time again by an old friend who I think of as the dad that I never had, that I should stop being so hasty, that I shouldnt post as much as I do; yet not once have I taken his advice EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Its what got me so hurt when I was talking to Lydia (oh boy thats such a can of worms I dont even want to get started on that, im still trying to squeeze all of the poison out), and its probably why I have been sat here since half past 2 in the morning writing this stupid blog post. Im an idiot. I /know/ im an idiot. Yet I just cant stop myself from self destructing at the first possible moment. I wonder how much things would be different if I hadnt wrote that post last week. I wonder when I will find someone that will stay standing after I let the tidal wave that is my emotion wash over them. I wonder if there is even someone on this earth that can listen to all my issues and still think I am something special.
Im sorry, everyone. I will try harder from now on. Ill try to not be as petty. Ill try to listen to Deans advice. Maybe I will try to not rush into things so quickly... yeah fat chance of that! But truly, I apologise for the stupid shit I have said this past week. I hate myself for it too, believe me. I think what im getting at, is this is somewhat a cry for help. I would like to know that im appreciated. I want to know you guys and girls are there for me. And dear god do I need you guys to remind me to shave this dreadful facial hair more often...
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