Let me preface this by saying I don't know why I'm even bothering to write the following text. I'm exhausted, mentally, and I feel like I'm suffocating. It got so bad this evening that I left the house at 10 past 11 without saying a word and sat alone, in the dark, and sang... no, screamed would be a more apt description. Each song that played reminded me of someone, somewhere or something and each one felt like a nail being driven into my back. I sang, louder and louder with each song, completely lost in my mind; the next thing I know I'm on my back staring at the cloudy sky above with an old chap shaking me. I pulled the earphones from my ears; he was asking if I was ok. I stared at him blankly for a moment before shrugging and muttering 'I dont know'. He gave me a look before turning and walking away, I don't know if I was hearing things but it sounded like he called back to me that it was late and I should get home... I'm a grown ass man what the fuck do I need to get home for? I laughed and thanked him under my breath, before standing and walking home. I'd been outside for an hour and fifteen minutes.
You might be asking yourself; well Marc, why do you feel like you do right now? Well, that's pretty simple. People fucking suck. I'm sick of trying to be there for everyone, all the god damn time. It's exhausting, trying to please everybody, trying to be the best person I can be when nobody even gives a fucking damn. I was empty and alone 7 years ago. I'm *still* empty and alone today. The difference? 7 years ago I didn't interact with people. I didn't have 'friends'. I hadn't tasted what it felt like to have money and to be able to buy anything I desired. And yet, what do I have to show for it? Jack. Fucking. Shit. I'm still empty. I'm still alone. I still feel as though I have no friends; merely a small group of people that put up with me because they feel obligated to do so because I spent money on them, gave them gifts, gave them words of support that they probably didn't even need. It feels like there's a shadow pulling at me and each day I can feel it getting stronger. I'm hopeless. The things I used to find joy in doing; Writing, Streaming, Gaming with the JPF guys... none of it gives me satisfaction anymore. It might look like it does, on the surface, but deep down I only do these things anymore because it's easier than dealing with having to explain what is wrong with me... which is ironic considering what I'm doing now. I struggle to write because next to nobody bothers even reading it, and the ones that do probably think it's fucking awful; full of cliche and stereotypes. I stream not for myself, but for Ash; if it wasn't for Ash I wouldn't even bother. I don't even know why I qualified for Affiliate, nobody watches, nobody interacts, it just feels like I'm wasting my time... but then when aren't I? I'm really struggling to see a point in anything right now.
On the bright side, I still have enough rum left to get somewhat tipsy at least, so that's nice. Its already kicking in, my body feels like it's on fire which is a feeling I can't say I have experienced previously while drinking... I'll continue listening to this 'Sad Songs' playlist on Spotify and see if I can cry enough tears to make me feel better. Im betting on no, but its a damn good place to start eh?
Sunday, 28 May 2017
Monday, 26 December 2016
Take a look at these words arranged in sentences and paragraphs, with an apology in there somewhere...
Aight, so ill preface this with a 'if you read this, I fully expect you to think less of me' - I wont blame you for it, but I feel like communicating some things is important. Especially to those of you who have seen some of my outbursts, be they those recently or some of those from the past. When I tell people im an idiot, that im literal trash, that im not worth anyones time.. I like to think im being truthful. I probably wouldnt be my own friend if I were in their shoes. Just know that after you are done reading this, I dont want pity. I just want you to understand why I am the way I am. It will likely get hella rambly and stuff so if you dont make it to the end, I dont blame you at all.
Ok - so you will have noticed the title of this blog is 'musings of a lonely man' right? Well at the time that was nothing more than a joke, as could probably be evidenced by the content I posted when I started this up. Nothing but amusing things that happened during any given week. Times back then were a lot simpler. I didnt /actually/ care that I had very few friends. I always felt involved. Nowadays? Not so much.
I have a lot of friends now. Way more than I would have ever imagined. Friends that I see very little during a year, yet these friends are practically family now. I have known many of these people for the full two years worth of Insomnia volunteering that I have done. I wouldnt trade them for the world... and yet at ilast I convinced myself that nobody /actually/ wanted me around. Not only that but I got incredibly jealous and im ashamed of that. So every night after shift I would basically abandon my Insomnia family to hang out with Zoey and play Werewolves until the early hours, at which point everyone else was asleep and I wouldnt be able to say something stupid. Looking back on the event I know I was just being silly and petty, but at the time I genuinely felt that I wasnt wanted.
Thats a pretty common theme with me though. I never /really/ feel like I belong. No matter how long I have been part of a group or whatnot. I feel like that when I raid with my guild on Warcraft, I felt like that at my old job, I felt like that when I used to play MTG at a local hobby shop every week. I am truly broken to the point where I will invent reasons why people dont want me around. Why? I dont know. I wish I did. I really do.
Im often told that I should be more confident, that I should love myself more - I try, hell if I wasnt confident I never would have told Rhiann I liked her and by extension I certainly never would have met her. If I didnt love myself I wouldnt get myself out of bed in the morning, I wouldnt wash, I wouldnt... you get the idea. I wouldnt be me - or at the very least I wouldnt be the me that everyone /seems/ to like having around.
So, after all of that you'd be thinking 'ok so you arent lonely anymore?' right? Wrong. If im being truthful, I have never been so alone in my life. Not true loneliness... I still havent lost myself, and I do still chat with friends... but the other loneliness - physical loneliness. Its not really a secret that I was never close to my parents, or even /any/ of my family. Two of the people I was closest to, my grandma on my mothers side and my (non-family) aunt passed far too early in my life and I still miss them to this day. I remember much of my childhood spent at my grandmas playing Command and Conquer and Starcraft, if I could go back and live those days forever I would without a second thought. After my parents divorced I spent a lot of time with my aunt. No matter how many stupid questions I asked she would always listen. It sucks to say this but these two amazing ladies showed me more love than my parents ever could, or did.
Maybe thats why I am like this. Who knows. I never felt like part of the family with my stepdad, and during the short time I stayed with my actual dad it felt more like we were... roommates? Best friends? I dont think I have actually felt loved since I was... 7? The closest family member I have now is my older brother Phil and even then we rarely talk because he is so... different. Hes been through the same things I have and more so I cant judge him for it though. Other than that though? Nobody. It feels like I live with a family of strangers. Take christmas day for example; I hop out of bed and head downstairs for a drink - did one member of my family say good morning, or hello, or /anything/ to me for that matter? No. Of course they didnt. Sometimes I cant help but think my stepdad still blames me for what happened with mom. But thats just one example among a multitude of others.
Moving on... so - physical loneliness. Let me tell you a story about how im literally a cunt! So after I posted my last blog post, Rhiann decided to pull the plug on us dating. I honestly couldnt blame her - her reasons were legitimate and at the end of the day we are still friends (although perhaps not after she reads this...) - truthfully I never expected any of what happened between us, and im glad it happened... but anyway, out came that dark voice that lurks in the back of my head; try and make her jealous, make her regret turning you down. And so for the next few days after that post I was completely distant with her, sarcastic and probably ruder than I should have been. I made a public showing of wanting to get right back on the dating rollercoaster. And I feel bad for it. Truly I do. But that morning we held hands and cuddled was honestly one of the only moments in my life where I havent felt alone... and I didnt want that to end so soon. Im selfish and truly if anyone thinks im an asshole for that I wouldnt blame you at all. And the worst part? It isnt just Rhiann that I have been trying to make jealous.
I have been told time and time again by an old friend who I think of as the dad that I never had, that I should stop being so hasty, that I shouldnt post as much as I do; yet not once have I taken his advice EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Its what got me so hurt when I was talking to Lydia (oh boy thats such a can of worms I dont even want to get started on that, im still trying to squeeze all of the poison out), and its probably why I have been sat here since half past 2 in the morning writing this stupid blog post. Im an idiot. I /know/ im an idiot. Yet I just cant stop myself from self destructing at the first possible moment. I wonder how much things would be different if I hadnt wrote that post last week. I wonder when I will find someone that will stay standing after I let the tidal wave that is my emotion wash over them. I wonder if there is even someone on this earth that can listen to all my issues and still think I am something special.
Im sorry, everyone. I will try harder from now on. Ill try to not be as petty. Ill try to listen to Deans advice. Maybe I will try to not rush into things so quickly... yeah fat chance of that! But truly, I apologise for the stupid shit I have said this past week. I hate myself for it too, believe me. I think what im getting at, is this is somewhat a cry for help. I would like to know that im appreciated. I want to know you guys and girls are there for me. And dear god do I need you guys to remind me to shave this dreadful facial hair more often...
Ok - so you will have noticed the title of this blog is 'musings of a lonely man' right? Well at the time that was nothing more than a joke, as could probably be evidenced by the content I posted when I started this up. Nothing but amusing things that happened during any given week. Times back then were a lot simpler. I didnt /actually/ care that I had very few friends. I always felt involved. Nowadays? Not so much.
I have a lot of friends now. Way more than I would have ever imagined. Friends that I see very little during a year, yet these friends are practically family now. I have known many of these people for the full two years worth of Insomnia volunteering that I have done. I wouldnt trade them for the world... and yet at ilast I convinced myself that nobody /actually/ wanted me around. Not only that but I got incredibly jealous and im ashamed of that. So every night after shift I would basically abandon my Insomnia family to hang out with Zoey and play Werewolves until the early hours, at which point everyone else was asleep and I wouldnt be able to say something stupid. Looking back on the event I know I was just being silly and petty, but at the time I genuinely felt that I wasnt wanted.
Thats a pretty common theme with me though. I never /really/ feel like I belong. No matter how long I have been part of a group or whatnot. I feel like that when I raid with my guild on Warcraft, I felt like that at my old job, I felt like that when I used to play MTG at a local hobby shop every week. I am truly broken to the point where I will invent reasons why people dont want me around. Why? I dont know. I wish I did. I really do.
Im often told that I should be more confident, that I should love myself more - I try, hell if I wasnt confident I never would have told Rhiann I liked her and by extension I certainly never would have met her. If I didnt love myself I wouldnt get myself out of bed in the morning, I wouldnt wash, I wouldnt... you get the idea. I wouldnt be me - or at the very least I wouldnt be the me that everyone /seems/ to like having around.
So, after all of that you'd be thinking 'ok so you arent lonely anymore?' right? Wrong. If im being truthful, I have never been so alone in my life. Not true loneliness... I still havent lost myself, and I do still chat with friends... but the other loneliness - physical loneliness. Its not really a secret that I was never close to my parents, or even /any/ of my family. Two of the people I was closest to, my grandma on my mothers side and my (non-family) aunt passed far too early in my life and I still miss them to this day. I remember much of my childhood spent at my grandmas playing Command and Conquer and Starcraft, if I could go back and live those days forever I would without a second thought. After my parents divorced I spent a lot of time with my aunt. No matter how many stupid questions I asked she would always listen. It sucks to say this but these two amazing ladies showed me more love than my parents ever could, or did.
Maybe thats why I am like this. Who knows. I never felt like part of the family with my stepdad, and during the short time I stayed with my actual dad it felt more like we were... roommates? Best friends? I dont think I have actually felt loved since I was... 7? The closest family member I have now is my older brother Phil and even then we rarely talk because he is so... different. Hes been through the same things I have and more so I cant judge him for it though. Other than that though? Nobody. It feels like I live with a family of strangers. Take christmas day for example; I hop out of bed and head downstairs for a drink - did one member of my family say good morning, or hello, or /anything/ to me for that matter? No. Of course they didnt. Sometimes I cant help but think my stepdad still blames me for what happened with mom. But thats just one example among a multitude of others.
Moving on... so - physical loneliness. Let me tell you a story about how im literally a cunt! So after I posted my last blog post, Rhiann decided to pull the plug on us dating. I honestly couldnt blame her - her reasons were legitimate and at the end of the day we are still friends (although perhaps not after she reads this...) - truthfully I never expected any of what happened between us, and im glad it happened... but anyway, out came that dark voice that lurks in the back of my head; try and make her jealous, make her regret turning you down. And so for the next few days after that post I was completely distant with her, sarcastic and probably ruder than I should have been. I made a public showing of wanting to get right back on the dating rollercoaster. And I feel bad for it. Truly I do. But that morning we held hands and cuddled was honestly one of the only moments in my life where I havent felt alone... and I didnt want that to end so soon. Im selfish and truly if anyone thinks im an asshole for that I wouldnt blame you at all. And the worst part? It isnt just Rhiann that I have been trying to make jealous.
I have been told time and time again by an old friend who I think of as the dad that I never had, that I should stop being so hasty, that I shouldnt post as much as I do; yet not once have I taken his advice EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Its what got me so hurt when I was talking to Lydia (oh boy thats such a can of worms I dont even want to get started on that, im still trying to squeeze all of the poison out), and its probably why I have been sat here since half past 2 in the morning writing this stupid blog post. Im an idiot. I /know/ im an idiot. Yet I just cant stop myself from self destructing at the first possible moment. I wonder how much things would be different if I hadnt wrote that post last week. I wonder when I will find someone that will stay standing after I let the tidal wave that is my emotion wash over them. I wonder if there is even someone on this earth that can listen to all my issues and still think I am something special.
Im sorry, everyone. I will try harder from now on. Ill try to not be as petty. Ill try to listen to Deans advice. Maybe I will try to not rush into things so quickly... yeah fat chance of that! But truly, I apologise for the stupid shit I have said this past week. I hate myself for it too, believe me. I think what im getting at, is this is somewhat a cry for help. I would like to know that im appreciated. I want to know you guys and girls are there for me. And dear god do I need you guys to remind me to shave this dreadful facial hair more often...
Sunday, 18 December 2016
Feels Trip - A New Chapter?
So I haven't posted on here in a while... 4 years in fact. I think, though, that the events of the past week are pertinent enough for me to write a new piece. Consider this another bookmark in my life.
Let's start from... February of 2013. Granted I don't remember much from 2013, one of the things that sticks out as a 'REMEMBER ME!' moment is when I followed a fellow Doctor Who fan on twitter. As it turned out, she also lived in Leicester. I was drawn to her because finding someone that was as into Doctor Who as me AND that lived in the same city as myself was very unusual for someone that never really ventures from his house. But anyhow. We spoke at length for a while. Often times it was me throwing a random compliment here or there, or commenting on a recent episode. But here's the problem. If you read my previous, very poorly written post you will kinda understand why. I was never very confident, and I was never very good at speaking. I never told her I liked her. Gradually we stopped talking also - she got a boyfriend at one point, that sucked but there was still some talk about Doctor Who... and then Doctor Who dried up and so did our internet friendship.
Fast forward to some point last year. A friend from college became friends with her. I remembered things but again, she had a boyfriend so I didn't really feel right in talking to her as I would only embarrass myself at best, and at worst, break things between them. I still liked her posts when they were something I was interested in, and I would wish her happy birthday - sometimes with a cool Doctor Who e-card - but that is where things ended for me.
Keep fast-forwarding to last Sunday. It was the last live day of Insomnia. I was particularly... sad this event because I'm an idiot and thought people didn't want me around. Anyway. She posted on twitter and on Sunday night - I replied. I am glad I did. We flurried replies to and fro and the short of it thus; she liked me around the same time I liked her. I was incredibly surprised, but then I never was good at reading people. We arranged our first date on Monday for the Thursday, but when something that was potentially terrible came about, we rescheduled for Friday. We were going to see Moana. I was excited to see it just because it starred The Rock - but let's get back to that soon.
From Monday to Friday we spoke quite a lot - perhaps not as much as regular people would but as we are both incredibly shy and awkward, I think we did pretty well. We had GIF conversations. We spoke about Labyrinth. Disney. It was that that prompted her to ask if I had seen Moana - I said no but I would like to see it... she said she had seen it but would love to come again. I leaped at the chance and tried my luck in asking if she would like to stop off at a cafe for a hot drink before or after, to which she agreed. I was over the moon.
Anyhow. We ended up speaking for several hours at a time, always into the early hours of the morning. But then that thing I mentioned happened. I dont really know how much she would like me to share, but it was a family issue. She said that she would have to cancel our date and she was sorry but I reassured her that it wasnt an issue. Nothing is more important than family. Not even a guy you've known for 4 years but never met. So we rescheduled for Friday as things were likely to have cleared up by then. At that point I was genuinely more invested in hoping that things would be ok for her as I had been in a similar situation before.
Friday rolls around. Things arent sorted. I really wanted to watch the movie though, so I laid out the plan for the day. Initially we were going to catch a 4pm screening at the Cinema De Lux. She missed that. Ok. No bother. The Odeon were showing it at 5pm, so I took a walk in the cold and waited. 5pm rolls around. She missed it. The last showing for the day was 7pm back at the Cinema De Lux... so I walked back and bought some Pokemon cards (that I still havent opened) and waited. 6pm rolls around. FINALLY THINGS ARE OKAY! I was so thankful that I almost forgot that she was still meant to be meeting me to catch the movie... she got her dad to drive her over and in the meantime I bought not one, but two tickets to see Moana.
The film was beautiful. Definitely not what I expected. I never was super into Disney but Moana changed me. I need to absorb everything! Anyhow. It felt like we were fighting over the armrest throughout the movie (although after the fact I dont think that was the case) and so at one point about half way through... I slipped my hand under hers and our fingers intertwined. This was the first time I had held a ladys hand. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Feelings I had locked away and feelings I didnt even know I had were all rushing up to the surface. I awkwardly pulled her hand to my chest so she could feel for herself... im an idiot but the message was clear. The film ended, I cried... like I do for virtually everything I watch, read or play. But it was ok. I was happy. Happier than I had been in a long time. We walked back to her flat, we hugged and I walked an hour back home. I walked in my front door at 11pm and we started talking again right after.
Now. Saturday was Star Wars day. This time it wasnt just me and her, but the friend from before was coming, and a friend of his too. Myself and the woman were going to get the hot drink that we didnt get chance to the day before but the day rolled on and instead we all met at the cinema and saw the movie. It was great. Honestly one of my favorite Star Wars films, and definitely better than TFA. After the film we somehow ended up at a bar. We got a round of drinks and sat awkwardly along one side of the upper floor. I honestly couldnt find my words. I really have trouble talking to people at the best of times but this was another level. We played pool. The friend wanted to leave after the first round... I made the choice to finish the third of my pint left in my glass and buy another round. I needed to say something... anything. And so, we talked about League of Legends. And then we finished our drinks and left.
The initial idea at that point was for the friend, and the friend of a friend to go and get food while I walked her back to her flat for the second consecutive night. That didnt happen. We all wound up in the communal kitchen back in her block. She made tea, we used her toilet, we all talked for a while - myself less than the others as they broached some... quite awkward topics - 1am rolled around (bearing in mind we left the cinema at 8:30pm) and it came to the point where we needed to leave. The friend and the friend finally went to get their food, but I lingered at the gate, words flitting just out of reach... I hugged her, thanked her for the tea and the time spent together, and turned to start my hour walk home, for the second consecutive night. Except as I made it to the end of the road and turned onto another, I received a message. She wanted me to come back. To talk.
My first thought was that it was the alcohol, and so I asked if she was sure. Then I asked if she was /really/ sure. After something she had mentioned the night before I really didnt expect that. And so, I turned around and waited by the gate, half expecting to be joking... and then the gate opened. We walked back up to the communal kitchen and exchanged many, many words about our past and about our family, over another cup of tea. Two hours pass and we retreat to her room. I sit right on the corner of the bed that dominated her flat. I felt that being any closer would make her feel uncomfortable, that perhaps I would make a move... But that wasnt what I was interested in. I just wanted to talk. I wanted her to see that I am genuinely the person I said I was.
I wont be specific, but after a little conversation we ended up holding hands, arm wrestling, and cuddling - in that order. This was the closest that I had ever been to a woman. My heart was pounding, faster than before. She trusted me. She /actually/ trusted me. That was a feeling I have rarely felt. We lay there for a while - my chest against her back, her hair filling my face. Is this what heaven feels like? If it is then I would not protest about staying forever. Alas, I checked my watch and as the hour hand crept around to 4am... I figured it was time to go home. While I didnt want to leave her side, I knew I had to. I pulled my shoes back on and she let me out through the gate again. We held each other for a while, before we said our goodbyes and I walked home in the foggy dark with a Jedi Cloak and a Lighstaber in my bag...
So that was the feels trip I spent my last week on this tiny planet in a vast universe doing. Time has flown by faster than it has ever before. Its such a strange feeling. Her name is Rhiann and she is beautiful. She has experienced more than her own share of pain, more than even I. I want to say I love her... but I stop myself because I know the moment I say that I set myself up to get hurt. I like her. I really, REALLY like her. But for as long as we are dating, the like will remain a like and not bloom into a love... my first love. I still want to go on a cafe date with her, somewhere we can talk casually while drinking that hot drink that we were meant to have previously. Perhaps that will be this week. Perhaps after Christmas. The point is I have no idea what im doing - I know where I want to get to but the path is shrouded in fog of war. I hope she sees me for the person I am, and decides that that person is a person she would want to spend even a fraction of her life beside.
This is where the bookmark lies. On the next page lies a new chapter. A new chapter that is as blank as any of the others, but one im already hoping matches my dream more closely than any before... because after all, the spaceship has a passenger seat.
Let's start from... February of 2013. Granted I don't remember much from 2013, one of the things that sticks out as a 'REMEMBER ME!' moment is when I followed a fellow Doctor Who fan on twitter. As it turned out, she also lived in Leicester. I was drawn to her because finding someone that was as into Doctor Who as me AND that lived in the same city as myself was very unusual for someone that never really ventures from his house. But anyhow. We spoke at length for a while. Often times it was me throwing a random compliment here or there, or commenting on a recent episode. But here's the problem. If you read my previous, very poorly written post you will kinda understand why. I was never very confident, and I was never very good at speaking. I never told her I liked her. Gradually we stopped talking also - she got a boyfriend at one point, that sucked but there was still some talk about Doctor Who... and then Doctor Who dried up and so did our internet friendship.
Fast forward to some point last year. A friend from college became friends with her. I remembered things but again, she had a boyfriend so I didn't really feel right in talking to her as I would only embarrass myself at best, and at worst, break things between them. I still liked her posts when they were something I was interested in, and I would wish her happy birthday - sometimes with a cool Doctor Who e-card - but that is where things ended for me.
Keep fast-forwarding to last Sunday. It was the last live day of Insomnia. I was particularly... sad this event because I'm an idiot and thought people didn't want me around. Anyway. She posted on twitter and on Sunday night - I replied. I am glad I did. We flurried replies to and fro and the short of it thus; she liked me around the same time I liked her. I was incredibly surprised, but then I never was good at reading people. We arranged our first date on Monday for the Thursday, but when something that was potentially terrible came about, we rescheduled for Friday. We were going to see Moana. I was excited to see it just because it starred The Rock - but let's get back to that soon.
From Monday to Friday we spoke quite a lot - perhaps not as much as regular people would but as we are both incredibly shy and awkward, I think we did pretty well. We had GIF conversations. We spoke about Labyrinth. Disney. It was that that prompted her to ask if I had seen Moana - I said no but I would like to see it... she said she had seen it but would love to come again. I leaped at the chance and tried my luck in asking if she would like to stop off at a cafe for a hot drink before or after, to which she agreed. I was over the moon.
Anyhow. We ended up speaking for several hours at a time, always into the early hours of the morning. But then that thing I mentioned happened. I dont really know how much she would like me to share, but it was a family issue. She said that she would have to cancel our date and she was sorry but I reassured her that it wasnt an issue. Nothing is more important than family. Not even a guy you've known for 4 years but never met. So we rescheduled for Friday as things were likely to have cleared up by then. At that point I was genuinely more invested in hoping that things would be ok for her as I had been in a similar situation before.
Friday rolls around. Things arent sorted. I really wanted to watch the movie though, so I laid out the plan for the day. Initially we were going to catch a 4pm screening at the Cinema De Lux. She missed that. Ok. No bother. The Odeon were showing it at 5pm, so I took a walk in the cold and waited. 5pm rolls around. She missed it. The last showing for the day was 7pm back at the Cinema De Lux... so I walked back and bought some Pokemon cards (that I still havent opened) and waited. 6pm rolls around. FINALLY THINGS ARE OKAY! I was so thankful that I almost forgot that she was still meant to be meeting me to catch the movie... she got her dad to drive her over and in the meantime I bought not one, but two tickets to see Moana.
The film was beautiful. Definitely not what I expected. I never was super into Disney but Moana changed me. I need to absorb everything! Anyhow. It felt like we were fighting over the armrest throughout the movie (although after the fact I dont think that was the case) and so at one point about half way through... I slipped my hand under hers and our fingers intertwined. This was the first time I had held a ladys hand. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Feelings I had locked away and feelings I didnt even know I had were all rushing up to the surface. I awkwardly pulled her hand to my chest so she could feel for herself... im an idiot but the message was clear. The film ended, I cried... like I do for virtually everything I watch, read or play. But it was ok. I was happy. Happier than I had been in a long time. We walked back to her flat, we hugged and I walked an hour back home. I walked in my front door at 11pm and we started talking again right after.
Now. Saturday was Star Wars day. This time it wasnt just me and her, but the friend from before was coming, and a friend of his too. Myself and the woman were going to get the hot drink that we didnt get chance to the day before but the day rolled on and instead we all met at the cinema and saw the movie. It was great. Honestly one of my favorite Star Wars films, and definitely better than TFA. After the film we somehow ended up at a bar. We got a round of drinks and sat awkwardly along one side of the upper floor. I honestly couldnt find my words. I really have trouble talking to people at the best of times but this was another level. We played pool. The friend wanted to leave after the first round... I made the choice to finish the third of my pint left in my glass and buy another round. I needed to say something... anything. And so, we talked about League of Legends. And then we finished our drinks and left.
The initial idea at that point was for the friend, and the friend of a friend to go and get food while I walked her back to her flat for the second consecutive night. That didnt happen. We all wound up in the communal kitchen back in her block. She made tea, we used her toilet, we all talked for a while - myself less than the others as they broached some... quite awkward topics - 1am rolled around (bearing in mind we left the cinema at 8:30pm) and it came to the point where we needed to leave. The friend and the friend finally went to get their food, but I lingered at the gate, words flitting just out of reach... I hugged her, thanked her for the tea and the time spent together, and turned to start my hour walk home, for the second consecutive night. Except as I made it to the end of the road and turned onto another, I received a message. She wanted me to come back. To talk.
My first thought was that it was the alcohol, and so I asked if she was sure. Then I asked if she was /really/ sure. After something she had mentioned the night before I really didnt expect that. And so, I turned around and waited by the gate, half expecting to be joking... and then the gate opened. We walked back up to the communal kitchen and exchanged many, many words about our past and about our family, over another cup of tea. Two hours pass and we retreat to her room. I sit right on the corner of the bed that dominated her flat. I felt that being any closer would make her feel uncomfortable, that perhaps I would make a move... But that wasnt what I was interested in. I just wanted to talk. I wanted her to see that I am genuinely the person I said I was.
I wont be specific, but after a little conversation we ended up holding hands, arm wrestling, and cuddling - in that order. This was the closest that I had ever been to a woman. My heart was pounding, faster than before. She trusted me. She /actually/ trusted me. That was a feeling I have rarely felt. We lay there for a while - my chest against her back, her hair filling my face. Is this what heaven feels like? If it is then I would not protest about staying forever. Alas, I checked my watch and as the hour hand crept around to 4am... I figured it was time to go home. While I didnt want to leave her side, I knew I had to. I pulled my shoes back on and she let me out through the gate again. We held each other for a while, before we said our goodbyes and I walked home in the foggy dark with a Jedi Cloak and a Lighstaber in my bag...
So that was the feels trip I spent my last week on this tiny planet in a vast universe doing. Time has flown by faster than it has ever before. Its such a strange feeling. Her name is Rhiann and she is beautiful. She has experienced more than her own share of pain, more than even I. I want to say I love her... but I stop myself because I know the moment I say that I set myself up to get hurt. I like her. I really, REALLY like her. But for as long as we are dating, the like will remain a like and not bloom into a love... my first love. I still want to go on a cafe date with her, somewhere we can talk casually while drinking that hot drink that we were meant to have previously. Perhaps that will be this week. Perhaps after Christmas. The point is I have no idea what im doing - I know where I want to get to but the path is shrouded in fog of war. I hope she sees me for the person I am, and decides that that person is a person she would want to spend even a fraction of her life beside.
This is where the bookmark lies. On the next page lies a new chapter. A new chapter that is as blank as any of the others, but one im already hoping matches my dream more closely than any before... because after all, the spaceship has a passenger seat.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Feelings? Pah. I dont even...
Okay. This is something a little different than what I normally post (lolwut I only made three posts) and might get a little emotional and shit. I'm asking you, the reader, to understand what I'm trying to convey and maybe even relate. I'm posting this because its something relevant to me right now, and if you want to hate on me for it I'm cool with that. Just don't expect to know me for very long afterwards. Well, if you made it this far, congratulations. Oh. And no names. I'm not doing this to provoke anyone, merely to vent. If you know who something is about, please, keep it to yourself.
A little background would probably be the best place to start. Being as this is about my feelings, relationships have a direct factor in this (duh.) so lets start from the beginning, shall we? Ill skip infant school because to be fair I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing aha. Wolsey House primary was where I had my first 'relationship' - I use the term very loosely. We were more best friends than anything. For a while at least. There were times we did everything together and times we hated each others guts. Still, that was one of the happiest points in my life, regardless of how serious shit was.
Soon the time came for me to leave primary and move on up in the world, next I found myself in Brookvale High School, a secondary in Groby. It was a nice place, I remember break times where I would just sit and chill on the field with a book and get countless people mock me, congratulate me or just be curious. It was pleasant at least. Nothing much happened here, except for a crush or two. Bear in mind I was like 12 or 13 at this point - I had about as much confidence as an empty milk bottle has milk. Needless to say, I don't remember anyone from Brookvale, but I wish I did.
Ill skip the time at Lancaster, only once did I see a glimmer of a relationship and that burned away before it even started. Still, had a couple of crushes on ex classmates from Avenue and Wolsey (my god females grow into beautiful creatures.) but nothing serious - they were either taken or out of my league, or worse - chavs.
Moving into the most recent period of my life, college. This year started with the promise of a date, and maybe something more. I had everything planned - flowers, a card, trip to the cinema and a meal (did I mention I'm a great cook?) all out of my own pocket. Nope, apparently going back to an ex who cheated was the better option. I was pretty shaken by this - the first time I had realistically had a shot at a mature relationship was gone, again, right before it started. I have the best luck ever, I swear.
After this was a period of me moping and whining and trying to go out with anything that moved - didn't quite work and I sulked to myself as you do. Then I started going to 'parties' (not sure you could call them that, but whatever) - now I don't make a habit of drinking, and I'm not exactly the most sociable person ever, but I met some wonderful people at this point. They know who they are, and I had a crush on one or two until a couple of weeks ago. They are lovely people but not quite what I was looking for. Maybe having a level headed approach and not rushing into things would pay off?
Boom - brings me to today. I have a single crush (as it probably should be to be quite fair) - I'm not sure if she knows, but I have a feeling she probably does. I haven't known her for particularly long, but she is wonderful nonetheless. I could waffle on for ages but that's not the point - this was merely the bookmark at where my life is right now. Time to move onto the next part of this now surprisingly long post.
What do I want in a relationship, and why? Well, to tell the truth, I just want to be happy. Being there for someone, and having someone there for me by extension, surely is the best thing in life? Knowing you always have someone to trust, and someone to talk is something that I value quite highly. Now some people would demand sex - I wouldn't particularly care. I'm not the nicest thing to look at I agree, but that's not the point. I could quite happily die a virgin so long as I finish everything in life that I wanted to do - losing the big V is pretty much bottom of my priority list. I just want to feel real, and have fun. Sure, I can have fun alone, but there's more to life - its a story that needs two perspectives to complete. I want to care for someone, through thick and thin, purely to make them happy. Currently I feel like an artist without a canvas, A builder with no bricks or a car with no engine. When will I finally be complete? I don't know, but I'm confident it will be sooner rather than later.
To conclude. I like my life - sure. It just feels like I'm missing something. I have friends who make the best couples. Hell, one of them has a kid. People might say its irresponsible or whatever, but to be fair - it is something that requires a lot of effort, and a lot of support. I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much. And so, we come to the end. If you are still reading, thank you for, and I say again - I hope that from this you can understand why I can be so damn whiny at times, and why I do what I do. Thank you. <3
A little background would probably be the best place to start. Being as this is about my feelings, relationships have a direct factor in this (duh.) so lets start from the beginning, shall we? Ill skip infant school because to be fair I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing aha. Wolsey House primary was where I had my first 'relationship' - I use the term very loosely. We were more best friends than anything. For a while at least. There were times we did everything together and times we hated each others guts. Still, that was one of the happiest points in my life, regardless of how serious shit was.
Soon the time came for me to leave primary and move on up in the world, next I found myself in Brookvale High School, a secondary in Groby. It was a nice place, I remember break times where I would just sit and chill on the field with a book and get countless people mock me, congratulate me or just be curious. It was pleasant at least. Nothing much happened here, except for a crush or two. Bear in mind I was like 12 or 13 at this point - I had about as much confidence as an empty milk bottle has milk. Needless to say, I don't remember anyone from Brookvale, but I wish I did.
Ill skip the time at Lancaster, only once did I see a glimmer of a relationship and that burned away before it even started. Still, had a couple of crushes on ex classmates from Avenue and Wolsey (my god females grow into beautiful creatures.) but nothing serious - they were either taken or out of my league, or worse - chavs.
Moving into the most recent period of my life, college. This year started with the promise of a date, and maybe something more. I had everything planned - flowers, a card, trip to the cinema and a meal (did I mention I'm a great cook?) all out of my own pocket. Nope, apparently going back to an ex who cheated was the better option. I was pretty shaken by this - the first time I had realistically had a shot at a mature relationship was gone, again, right before it started. I have the best luck ever, I swear.
After this was a period of me moping and whining and trying to go out with anything that moved - didn't quite work and I sulked to myself as you do. Then I started going to 'parties' (not sure you could call them that, but whatever) - now I don't make a habit of drinking, and I'm not exactly the most sociable person ever, but I met some wonderful people at this point. They know who they are, and I had a crush on one or two until a couple of weeks ago. They are lovely people but not quite what I was looking for. Maybe having a level headed approach and not rushing into things would pay off?
Boom - brings me to today. I have a single crush (as it probably should be to be quite fair) - I'm not sure if she knows, but I have a feeling she probably does. I haven't known her for particularly long, but she is wonderful nonetheless. I could waffle on for ages but that's not the point - this was merely the bookmark at where my life is right now. Time to move onto the next part of this now surprisingly long post.
What do I want in a relationship, and why? Well, to tell the truth, I just want to be happy. Being there for someone, and having someone there for me by extension, surely is the best thing in life? Knowing you always have someone to trust, and someone to talk is something that I value quite highly. Now some people would demand sex - I wouldn't particularly care. I'm not the nicest thing to look at I agree, but that's not the point. I could quite happily die a virgin so long as I finish everything in life that I wanted to do - losing the big V is pretty much bottom of my priority list. I just want to feel real, and have fun. Sure, I can have fun alone, but there's more to life - its a story that needs two perspectives to complete. I want to care for someone, through thick and thin, purely to make them happy. Currently I feel like an artist without a canvas, A builder with no bricks or a car with no engine. When will I finally be complete? I don't know, but I'm confident it will be sooner rather than later.
To conclude. I like my life - sure. It just feels like I'm missing something. I have friends who make the best couples. Hell, one of them has a kid. People might say its irresponsible or whatever, but to be fair - it is something that requires a lot of effort, and a lot of support. I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much. And so, we come to the end. If you are still reading, thank you for, and I say again - I hope that from this you can understand why I can be so damn whiny at times, and why I do what I do. Thank you. <3
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Its been a long time coming (But you love when I put text on this page)
Heeeeeeeeeeey guys. Sorry for leaving you for so long, but I just couldnt write anything. Nothing that spectacular happened, as well as me getting into developing Necropolis and starting college. However, I think I might just have something. Gears of War 3. Oh boy is this game AMAZING.
Lets start with the campaign. I have only just finished Act 2, but damn its the best campaign ive played in a LONG time. The dialogue? Spot on. The pacing? Spot on. Its incredibly difficult to find faults with it. Even when playing Co-Op its still great (If not better, because the AI can get a little derpy sometimes. For example, playing on Hardcore and getting hit by Gunkers is pretty much guarenteed to down you, and half the time your dopey AI wont even bother to get you up causing you to restart the checkpoint) because you can work to each others strengths. Got a friend thats a crack shot with a sniper? Let him grab all the Longshots. Got a friend that is amazing with the Boomshot? Find the hidden Boomshots around the levels for them. I could go on obviously :P Carrying on, I have high hopes, and quite a bit of dread. I've heard that Dom dies (Although thats not 100% certain, god I hope it isnt. Dom is awesome), but I cant wait to get home tonight and kick some Locust ass, and hopefully snuff out Queen Myrah.
As for Multiplayer? Love it. Same old Gears formula with some added awesome. Played a couple of maps, with my favourite being 'Thrashball'. Its fairly small map with a couple of narrow lanes for shotgunning and charging down with the Retro Lancer (Oh my god the Retro Lancer IS THE BEST WEAPON IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING, FO' REAL). I love how you can unlock skins for the weapons too, and how they tied in some things unlocking for achievements in Gears 2, means I have some incentive to go back and unlock them because im a huge collectibles fan. Also PLENTY of awards, medals and ribbons to be unlocked, so im going to be upto my eyes in content for a while. Long enough even to put off buying Battlefield 3 and Skyrim.
As for the other modes, Horde and Beast, im REALLY happy with them. Horde 2.0 expands on teh old horde gameplay with fortifications and boss waves. Boss waves! So far ive seen a Lambent Berserker (It killed me, they are ridiculously hard to kill) and ive heard of a Brumak appearing too. As for how the game plays out? Love it. You build up a base type thing with a control post (There are several hotpoints for these around the maps, so you can pick your favourite) and various defence. Initially you can only build spike strips, but as you build more and repair them, your skill levels up allowing you to upgrade them into barb wire fences, build turrets and decoys, and a whole plethora of other defences. all of this is funded by cash you earn for killing locust in between waves. However, you do also need to buy weapons (If you dont find them from the fallen locust that is) and ammo from boxes for a cheap pricetag. Beast mode on the otherhand, is a refreshing take on Horde. You play as the Locust and try to eliminate increasingly harder waves of COG, starting with a handful of stranded, and gradually adding members and heroes, culminating in a final wave of Prescott and a group of Onyx Guard. Initially you have access to the first tier of Locust troops, being a Melée Ticker (That can destroy structures and eat ammo), a standard, Explosive Ticker, a Savage Drone equipped with a Retro Lancer, and a Butcher. The general rule of thumb is the bigger the Locust, the more they cost to spawn as (You get money for killing COG and breaking their stuff, aswell as a form of 'Experience' that lets you access higher tiers when you level up). When you get the Berserker, you are nigh on unstopable, with a friend only dying once in a game, on the last wave, because Prescott used the Hammer of Dawn on him. :P
All in all, im am incredibly happy with this game, with all of the stuff you can do and the replayability (Cant wait to play Arcade with Sam, Jordan(Possibly) and Harry(Another possibly) and kick their asses with my pro scores). Should keep me tided over until january at least, possibly february.
Lets start with the campaign. I have only just finished Act 2, but damn its the best campaign ive played in a LONG time. The dialogue? Spot on. The pacing? Spot on. Its incredibly difficult to find faults with it. Even when playing Co-Op its still great (If not better, because the AI can get a little derpy sometimes. For example, playing on Hardcore and getting hit by Gunkers is pretty much guarenteed to down you, and half the time your dopey AI wont even bother to get you up causing you to restart the checkpoint) because you can work to each others strengths. Got a friend thats a crack shot with a sniper? Let him grab all the Longshots. Got a friend that is amazing with the Boomshot? Find the hidden Boomshots around the levels for them. I could go on obviously :P Carrying on, I have high hopes, and quite a bit of dread. I've heard that Dom dies (Although thats not 100% certain, god I hope it isnt. Dom is awesome), but I cant wait to get home tonight and kick some Locust ass, and hopefully snuff out Queen Myrah.
As for Multiplayer? Love it. Same old Gears formula with some added awesome. Played a couple of maps, with my favourite being 'Thrashball'. Its fairly small map with a couple of narrow lanes for shotgunning and charging down with the Retro Lancer (Oh my god the Retro Lancer IS THE BEST WEAPON IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING, FO' REAL). I love how you can unlock skins for the weapons too, and how they tied in some things unlocking for achievements in Gears 2, means I have some incentive to go back and unlock them because im a huge collectibles fan. Also PLENTY of awards, medals and ribbons to be unlocked, so im going to be upto my eyes in content for a while. Long enough even to put off buying Battlefield 3 and Skyrim.
As for the other modes, Horde and Beast, im REALLY happy with them. Horde 2.0 expands on teh old horde gameplay with fortifications and boss waves. Boss waves! So far ive seen a Lambent Berserker (It killed me, they are ridiculously hard to kill) and ive heard of a Brumak appearing too. As for how the game plays out? Love it. You build up a base type thing with a control post (There are several hotpoints for these around the maps, so you can pick your favourite) and various defence. Initially you can only build spike strips, but as you build more and repair them, your skill levels up allowing you to upgrade them into barb wire fences, build turrets and decoys, and a whole plethora of other defences. all of this is funded by cash you earn for killing locust in between waves. However, you do also need to buy weapons (If you dont find them from the fallen locust that is) and ammo from boxes for a cheap pricetag. Beast mode on the otherhand, is a refreshing take on Horde. You play as the Locust and try to eliminate increasingly harder waves of COG, starting with a handful of stranded, and gradually adding members and heroes, culminating in a final wave of Prescott and a group of Onyx Guard. Initially you have access to the first tier of Locust troops, being a Melée Ticker (That can destroy structures and eat ammo), a standard, Explosive Ticker, a Savage Drone equipped with a Retro Lancer, and a Butcher. The general rule of thumb is the bigger the Locust, the more they cost to spawn as (You get money for killing COG and breaking their stuff, aswell as a form of 'Experience' that lets you access higher tiers when you level up). When you get the Berserker, you are nigh on unstopable, with a friend only dying once in a game, on the last wave, because Prescott used the Hammer of Dawn on him. :P
All in all, im am incredibly happy with this game, with all of the stuff you can do and the replayability (Cant wait to play Arcade with Sam, Jordan(Possibly) and Harry(Another possibly) and kick their asses with my pro scores). Should keep me tided over until january at least, possibly february.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Ohai there Mr Facebook Rapist, how are you.
So recently, i haven't really done much of any interest, whatsoever. I made a forum, sure, but other than that, my days have been spent playing either Swat 4 with 4 others (Man, co-op in that game is so fun when people don't open doors randomly and shoot to kill), rediscovering Dungeon Keeper 2 (90's gaming at its finest right there ladies and gentlemen) and dabbling in a bit of League of Legends. Just yesterday however, a friend of mine was Facebook Raped, which lead to both, massive lulz and my first topic of the day.
Facebook Rapists! You always rape innocent people and come onto me? Why? Nothing will come of it when your on some one else's profile, for starters, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! In seriousness though. Why even bother? Sure, its fun to log onto your best friends Facebook and put the obligatory 'Hi my name is Dave and im gay' or 'Hi im Jewish and what' but going so far as to message people? Thats where its getting out of hand. Personally, i always have a laugh, but i know people that if they were messaged by someone randomly asking for a blowjob or something, they would be like, WTF?! And block them immediately. If you have any thoughts you would like to share on the topic of Facebook Rape, please leave them in the comments below.
As some of you may know, i tend to frequent a few message boards. The otehr day, i saw a topic that made me cringe. What do you want to see in MW3. My initial thoughts were thus - an actual skill based fps that hasnt been dumbed down for 13 year old mouthbreathers and owners of girl voices even though they are clearly male. I want a game that promotes teamplay, not some rambofest. Then i saw a reply that i liked, and remembered a game i used to play. It read thusly: 'What do i want to see in MW3? Well, a copy of Battlefield 3 in the case would be better than anything they could do to MW3.' and i totally agree. Battlefield is THE most successful team/tactical FPS created. Go ahead and deny it you silly console gamers, but you know deep down that im right. Lets run a little list of Battlefields key features shall we? Balanced guns? Check. No retarded killstreak rewards? Check. Squad based objective combat? Check. A full chain of command complete with a commander who can support his troops with artillery, UAV's, Supply and Vehicle drops? Check.
My point is this. Battlefield 3 will be about 9001% better than anything Craptivision can chuck out at the masses.
I cant really think of anything for anymore content today, so i will leave you with a mere two paragraphs. However, if you are a fellow PC Gamer, be sure to visit http://barons-lan-community.allyogame.com/ for a fun LAN gaming community. Thank you, and good night ;)
Facebook Rapists! You always rape innocent people and come onto me? Why? Nothing will come of it when your on some one else's profile, for starters, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! In seriousness though. Why even bother? Sure, its fun to log onto your best friends Facebook and put the obligatory 'Hi my name is Dave and im gay' or 'Hi im Jewish and what' but going so far as to message people? Thats where its getting out of hand. Personally, i always have a laugh, but i know people that if they were messaged by someone randomly asking for a blowjob or something, they would be like, WTF?! And block them immediately. If you have any thoughts you would like to share on the topic of Facebook Rape, please leave them in the comments below.
As some of you may know, i tend to frequent a few message boards. The otehr day, i saw a topic that made me cringe. What do you want to see in MW3. My initial thoughts were thus - an actual skill based fps that hasnt been dumbed down for 13 year old mouthbreathers and owners of girl voices even though they are clearly male. I want a game that promotes teamplay, not some rambofest. Then i saw a reply that i liked, and remembered a game i used to play. It read thusly: 'What do i want to see in MW3? Well, a copy of Battlefield 3 in the case would be better than anything they could do to MW3.' and i totally agree. Battlefield is THE most successful team/tactical FPS created. Go ahead and deny it you silly console gamers, but you know deep down that im right. Lets run a little list of Battlefields key features shall we? Balanced guns? Check. No retarded killstreak rewards? Check. Squad based objective combat? Check. A full chain of command complete with a commander who can support his troops with artillery, UAV's, Supply and Vehicle drops? Check.
My point is this. Battlefield 3 will be about 9001% better than anything Craptivision can chuck out at the masses.
I cant really think of anything for anymore content today, so i will leave you with a mere two paragraphs. However, if you are a fellow PC Gamer, be sure to visit http://barons-lan-community.allyogame.com/ for a fun LAN gaming community. Thank you, and good night ;)
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Microwaves. How THE FUCK do they work?!
Yes, I am indeed writing a second post! REJOICE! In all seriousness though, its about 11:45, im bored, im hungry, and I need something to do. It just so happens, that I have a couple of things to get down here, and so, without further ado, I present, the great Rustler BBQ Rib fiasco.
So the other day, I was feeling rather peckish, so I fished around in the fridge for something to eat (Not literally, my fridge is NOT a fish tank) and found a Rustlers BBQ Rib (For those of you who do not hail from England, or just don't know, Rustlers produce rather tasty microwaveable snacks that are most notable for the fact they are done in LITERALLY SECONDS. Perfect for a lazy guy like me). I proceeded to rip the packaging apart and put the actual rib meat on a plate, and place it in the microwave so I could put the buns in the toaster, and then both could finish at about the same time. Here's the catch. My microwave is SHIT and doesn't have an exact timer, it has a dial. So i put the bun in the toaster, it popped and i flipped it. But I forgot to turn the microwave off. Assembling my snack, it was piping hot certainly, but when i took a bite it felt like I was biting into a damned house brick. Moral of this story? Get a good microwave.
I used to play League of Legends pretty religiously, but recently I stopped, for no reason what so ever. Now, with the release of the latest champion, Renekton (HES A FUCKING AWESOME OP CROCODILE MAN, HOW COULD I NOT PLAY THIS GUY) I decided to come back. Now, while I save my Influence Points to purchase him, I played his brother, Nasus (Hes a fucking awesome op anubisath man, so I play this guy) as a tank. Now, this guys ultimate makes him AN ABSOLUTE BEAST. I gain a shit ton of health, a 4% life drain aura around me and my attack damage increases relevant to the amount of hostile units around me. How could you not like to play this guy. But yeah, I have had a LOT of fun with this guy, rolling with cleanse to bait at towers is so pro. Want to join in on the fun? http://signup.leagueoflegends.com/en/signup/index?ref=4c3db15aa2cf4 <-- Use that link to signup and download the EU client. Add me, MxLionheart, and I might setup some private matches (Depending how many of you decide to play)
Now, for another Warcraft related post. Again, you can skip this if you like, in the future, all of them shall be the last thing i cover :). Apart from my level 70 twink project (Which again, ill cover that later) im levelling a resto druid. So the last time I healed PROPERLY was Burning Crusade, as a holy paladin (Lol im gonna use holy light all the time and just heal everything) when you could practically cast heals all day long and not go oom. Now, playing my druid, its an entirely different story. I cast 7 Regrowth's, and bam, all my mana is gone. Learning to play conservatively has been hard, but I think ive done it now. The downside (Upside maybe) is that i get a lot of time to sit around doing nothing. Instant (Almost) queues are good for levelling too, and im sure my brother enjoys them too.
So then, my second post. Im quite enjoying this to be perfectly honest. With this post, i will leave you with a question: Horror, or Romance?
So the other day, I was feeling rather peckish, so I fished around in the fridge for something to eat (Not literally, my fridge is NOT a fish tank) and found a Rustlers BBQ Rib (For those of you who do not hail from England, or just don't know, Rustlers produce rather tasty microwaveable snacks that are most notable for the fact they are done in LITERALLY SECONDS. Perfect for a lazy guy like me). I proceeded to rip the packaging apart and put the actual rib meat on a plate, and place it in the microwave so I could put the buns in the toaster, and then both could finish at about the same time. Here's the catch. My microwave is SHIT and doesn't have an exact timer, it has a dial. So i put the bun in the toaster, it popped and i flipped it. But I forgot to turn the microwave off. Assembling my snack, it was piping hot certainly, but when i took a bite it felt like I was biting into a damned house brick. Moral of this story? Get a good microwave.
I used to play League of Legends pretty religiously, but recently I stopped, for no reason what so ever. Now, with the release of the latest champion, Renekton (HES A FUCKING AWESOME OP CROCODILE MAN, HOW COULD I NOT PLAY THIS GUY) I decided to come back. Now, while I save my Influence Points to purchase him, I played his brother, Nasus (Hes a fucking awesome op anubisath man, so I play this guy) as a tank. Now, this guys ultimate makes him AN ABSOLUTE BEAST. I gain a shit ton of health, a 4% life drain aura around me and my attack damage increases relevant to the amount of hostile units around me. How could you not like to play this guy. But yeah, I have had a LOT of fun with this guy, rolling with cleanse to bait at towers is so pro. Want to join in on the fun? http://signup.leagueoflegends.com/en/signup/index?ref=4c3db15aa2cf4 <-- Use that link to signup and download the EU client. Add me, MxLionheart, and I might setup some private matches (Depending how many of you decide to play)
Now, for another Warcraft related post. Again, you can skip this if you like, in the future, all of them shall be the last thing i cover :). Apart from my level 70 twink project (Which again, ill cover that later) im levelling a resto druid. So the last time I healed PROPERLY was Burning Crusade, as a holy paladin (Lol im gonna use holy light all the time and just heal everything) when you could practically cast heals all day long and not go oom. Now, playing my druid, its an entirely different story. I cast 7 Regrowth's, and bam, all my mana is gone. Learning to play conservatively has been hard, but I think ive done it now. The downside (Upside maybe) is that i get a lot of time to sit around doing nothing. Instant (Almost) queues are good for levelling too, and im sure my brother enjoys them too.
So then, my second post. Im quite enjoying this to be perfectly honest. With this post, i will leave you with a question: Horror, or Romance?
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